oh shitty hell

I don't know why I have this sudden fear of losing him. The funny thing is, he's not mine in the first place and there's nothing to lose to even begin with. I don't like this feeling at all.

I spoke to ah neh just now. It's always nice to talk to someone sensible. He keeps reminding me to talk to him about it. But how am I going to start? I've never been in this situation before. Never thought I would be. I hate myself for even getting myself into it in the first place.

I know this is was going to happen but yet I head dived into it. There were reasons why I stopped myself in the first place. Yet why did I go ahead anyways?

I cannot deny the euphoria I'm in right now. At the same time, I cannot ignore the guilt I'm in. The euphoria says, "Don't give up.."
but the guilt says, "Don't take whats not yours.."

In the middle right now.. and I know he is too. The 'logic' me is screaming to back out but the 'insane-deserve-to-be-in-an-asylum' me says to stay and fight. Either way, I'm afraid of losing him. Afraid of losing him because I was too blind to see it in the first place. Afraid of losing him because I was just plain stupid to ignore it even when I knew there was something. Afraid of losing him because I was late...

This is fast. I need to slow down before I start hyperventilating and freak out. When this happens, something bad and something stupid always happens.

*inhale*
*exhale*
*inhale*
*exhale*