when?

September draws near. 4 months to go before the end of the year.

What have I achieved so far? I moved out.

There is this part of me that wants so much more.

I keep wondering when will it be my turn. My turn to feel like I am at peace and satisfied. My turn to see the whitest white of soft snow. My turn to see the northern lights. My turn see raindrops in the form of sakuras. My turn to feel the winds of the ocean on my sun burnt skin as I bury my feet into the white sands of the great big blue ocean.

Some people have it... or have it so close to them that they can actually feel it.

Mine feels so far away.

So when will it be my turn.

Being away

I realise I can never be truly happy in KL.
I miss being away.
I miss my winters
and I miss my cheap wine.
I miss breathing out 'smoke' when I don't have a cig in hand.
I miss tucking my hands under my tights
and ducking behind my scarf thats around my neck.
I miss the late night walks something I can't do in KL.
Something no one I know does because we're afraid that someone will splash us with acid or get raped or get mugged.
I want to work and grow in an environment where working on weekends is unheard of. '
I want to have a winter wedding with a big bond fire.
I want my kids to have pink noses and an option about everything!

I miss my life away from KL.
I miss being away.

Let me know if you don't like it. I will leave.

She was right.

The only constant in all the variables is me.

But you know what? I never realised that it can happen in the workplace. An invitation opened openly to everyone but me. I don't need it but it would be nice to be acknowledged.

I am sorry if my level of maturity does not allow me to be an idiot. I am sorry if my topic of conversation does not only evolve around sex. I am sorry if I do not find immature bantering interesting. I am sorry I cannot compute or comprehend or rather I prefer to ignore conversations that would make me stupid. I am sorry I do not find cockroach throwing or cock hitting funny.

So I guess I'm not going to change to be accepted in that environment. Because I don't want to.

I won't stay for long I suppose. Not when I'm now the variable and you are all the constant. Variables can be easily changed isn't it?

For some reason, by some twist, it always ends up being my fault.

Just because I'm not who you all want me to be. I'm not the girly type but I'm not a man either. I'm not interested in stupid sex jokes but I'm not humour-less either. I am not interested but I would like to be acknowledged. I don't care much for all that but I would like to be included.

It has come to the point where I really don't care.

Handphones up. Bedsheets down.

Good bye.

either here nor there

drama. drama. drama.

But what's new? Story of my life. or rather the life around me.

What was suppose to be a fun occasion has gone a lil sour. The old farts needs to learn and let live. seriously.

Getting quite annoying but what can you do? You're born into a family. You don't really have much of a choice there. Don't get me wrong. I love most of them to bits but sometimes, you really wonder who the adults are.

I finally got my own place.

Claire and I gonna be living together. Pictures will hopefully be up on facebook soon.

I love it.

Don't anyone ruin my mood now.

Absolutely craving for a beer or strongbow right now.

I miss after work beers in kl with the usual suspects.

giving and taking

It's lent again.

So off I went... after work, I headed to church for 8pm mass.

This time, I actually paid attention to what Father Simon had to say. I do not like that man very much but he is talking about the Word of God.

Anyways, yesterday was about giving up something and doing it in secret and also doing good and doing it in secret. You know the whole "your left hand is not suppose to know what your right hand is doing" or somewhere along those lines.

And so I was thinking...

There are a lot of people who good out there. but when no one knows. But when someone knows, instead of acknowledging the good they have done, they take advantage of it instead! So in order to make people NOT take advantage of another, someone has to acknowledge it. AND the person who acknowledges it must NOT be someone who likes taking advantage or someone. So that when another person knows and takes advantage of it, the first person can put the second person in his/her place.

Because the people who normally do good and being taken advantage of, these people let it slide. Letting it slide to the point where they end up hurting themselves. And sometimes, you don't know what to do because they don't want you to do anything about it because to them, it doesn't matter that people are taking advantage of them.

I don't see the justice of it all. I really don't.

Am I making any sense? Do you know what I mean?

Anyways, thats how I feel about it la.

Blessed Lent Season everyone....

Going nowhere

I feel depressed.

That dream of travelling to new places is not easy. I knew it wasn't because nothing is free or cheap. I guess when you're born into what many will call privileged environment, you always want more.

I want a picture with the guards at Buckingham Palaca. I want to lie on the beach in Puerto Rico. I want to explore in the Mayan ruins. I want to learn to snowboard in Norway. I want to go snorkelling in the Great Barrier Reefs. I want to slide down the sand dunes in Dubai. I want to watch the sunset in Hawai'i. I want to ride on a tram in San Francisco.

I want to go places!

Like I said, I feel depressed.

Facebook has that effect on me.

A saturated mind spores depression

Nothing on my wish list came thru but a pair of peep toe black pumps I bought for myself.

And I don't get to go to Melbourne because I don't qualify for the trip. Part of me really wants to go because of friends but the other part of me doesn't want to because I'll be tied down to work and putting a front. Oh well its only a 4 day/3night trip which will be covered with work. I would rather go for pleasure.

I really really really want to go back to NZ this year. I miss my life there and I miss the people there too...

haihz.