You are not alone.

Had yet another of 'you-are-not-alone' light bulb moment last night at like 2am in the morning.

Some people know how they're feeling then and there and some just don't know how they feel. My theory is that some people takes a much longer time for their emotions to register in their head compared to others. And sometimes, all these emotions register at once and you still don't know what to feel; like when you're doing your assignment, you get information overload and you don't even remember what the hell you're doing in the first place.

Just when I thought I was the only screwed up one being left behind; apparently there's more people like me somewhere out there. I'm not the only one... *yay!!!* I'm not the only one who feels down for no reason!!!

But you see, the problem comes in at this point.

I remember when Omar and I broke up and I couldn't feel anything the whole night and there was over whelming numbness and I didn't know how to feel. Sure I was sad but when someone ask me how I feel, I don't know. But I guess I was lucky because Adrian called me the next day and he was like; "What's going on? Something just happened, what is it?"... instead of being shocked (I didn't tell anyone else besides the people that was with me that night and they all don't know Adrian's number.. for some reason he changed them every 1 month or something..)... I just burst out in tears and couldn't stop crying.

Months after that, I was still lost. And remained lost for more than a year. But the thing is, everything else was also bringing me down but I couldn't identify what it was so I kept on putting it as the losing Omar. Now when I look back, I was more than eager to run away from Malaysia as the places we used to hangout at are also the places that I frequently all the time, so I made sure I landed my ass in Melbourne. But even when I was in Melbourne, I kept feeling this pain and I quickly put it as losing him.

The actual truth was; I was afraid of being alone, I was extremely jealous of people being in relationships, I missed my family and was constantly worried about not making it in uni. But there was a couple of one night flings at clubs but thats about it (I'm not exactly one of those skinny girls with a flat tummy and cute small everything so even one night flings are hard to come by), no real possibility of relationships in Melbourne.. even tho there was this one massive crush that constantly kept me tongue-tied whenever I see him and always just ended up ignoring him (damn kau sad no???... anyways....).

All these feelings came to a stop when I made a resolution to stop hanging on to Omar on New Years 2006 with Jason by my side. It made sense to make it then because, I was not alone and I had all my close friends with me, I was home in KL and my family was all there, it was the holidays and I survived my first semester of uni.. so all there was to deal with was Omar... and I dealt with it that night.

I wasn't exactly in denial tho everyone thinks it. But it was more like a obstacle because I didn't exactly know how I felt because all it was a jumble of painful feelings which I couldn't identify with.

It all makes sense because all the fears make sense now.

When I let go of Omar and realized how I really felt; I was able to start clean.. thats when Eugene came in. =)

Emotions... is one whacked ass thing that God gave us but when you figure it out, it feels like you just finished your major essay and handed it in...

Did I make any sense at all???