This roller coaster is making me sick

I really don't know what is this called.

I guess its yet another emotional roller coaster. Since that day, I guess everything changed. Somehow my identity has become a blur. That sense of belonging seems to literally cut in half. I already resent that person and now, that person no longer exist. I'm glad to know now because that resentment is valid but at the same time, there is a huge loss. That part of me is now void.

I'm immune to deception. I could stomach it and believe it yet it hasn't entirely sunken in. I thought I did sink it in my system... but apparently there's alot more than facts thats been laid out in a platter, all done.

I guess it still hurts. But I'm numb to it all. This numbness is taking over more and more each day. I can't let it happen. Not now. Not because of him. I can't let someone like that do that to me. BUT WHY AM I IN THIS STATE?

Its frustrating. Maybe its anger that I've surpressed. Or maybe is that loss. But then again, when I look at it, its not much of a loss but rather a gain...

All I know now is that my life is forever changed and from now on, it's going to be a very bumpy ride. I have yet to know if its good or bad.

Just when you think that your life is finally in place. Something or someone comes in ruining the party... One part of me wants to deal with it like a child and to fuck everything and just concentrate on my life and the things that makes me happy. But I can't... I stop being in child when I turned 12. I'm turning 21 in a few months and I no longer have a valid reason to act other wise.

One part of me wants to escape it all. The other tells me to face it head on. But you see, when I try to escape, it comes back biting me back in the ass. I'm hoping that when I face it head on, the pain would definately be greater but I pray that it would go away faster.

I went for class , only to escape 1.5 hours later (class is 3 hours). Things keep playing in my head. It feels like I'm in a room by myself and my mind even when there's more than 30 over people in class. And when I feel like I'm alone with my mind, it starts playing tricks in me and there's no turning back.

Escaping things makes me unattentive to other things that really matter at that moment in time. You see, everything becomes a blur. And its the people around me that suffers. I don't reply smses, I don't call when I said I would, I don't pay attention when I'm suppose to.

I revealed one of my biggest fear to Eugene yesterday. I didn't realise I had that fear until yesterday. It came like a sad epiphany... You know how things are always in the background and you don't really acknowledge it until it hits you in the face. It was like that for the passed week...

I want to go home. I want my mummy. I want to feel safe again. Because right now, it feels like I'm dangling by a thread above a volcano.