Today I realise that I'm totally pathetic with people in uni... I need Josie.. I can't socialise without her. I think I'm still rather intimidated by the whole kuai low thing. I'm no longer the only Asian in my class but the Asian in my class fit in rather well as they are born and/or bred in Australia and they're not International students. The other International students in my class are Josie (Swed) and this other exchange student from New York. So as you can see they also fall in the Kuai Low category.
I know it sounds so lame and pathetic but that's how I feel. This fact dawned upon me when I couldn't carry out a full conversation with Paul today without bubbly Josie around. I tried but I kept on keeping quiet! It was rather obvious that Paul was really trying to make an effort to make a conversation but... I wasn't. I was rather reserved and I don't know why!
When I saw Fan today, I was so myself. Talking, joking and just being Tina.. but when came to people I know or sorta know thru classes, I kinda just shy away. I feel so tiny around them (I mean, I'm like the shortest laaa....) and some of them are younger than me, yet I still feel inferior to these people. I become an introvert when I'm around these people.
I guess in uni, the only people that I'm myself is Josie, Fan and Yang. That's it!! And there's a population of thousands in uni and I'm me around 3. It's seems to be some sort of phobia... why ar? I tak paham myself man! ish!
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Soon its going to be 3 months (8th of August). Soon, the supposedly "honeymoon" would be over... but somehow, I feel like we're only beginning. =) I miss him so much. On some days its more than ever, and sometimes when I feel like I can't miss him more, I end up missing him more than I thought I could. Am I making any sense?
There are times when it feels like I can't take it anymore and I end up trying to hold back my tears. But the thing is, I kinda prepared myself for such emotions when I put myself in this whole long distance thing. So, I end up doing things to keep my mind off the fact that I miss him and love him so much it hurts (in a good way..).
This is like the first time, I'm in a long distance relationship but yet somehow its effortless... and somehow, I'm more willing and more prepared for any sort of consequences thats thrown on me. Maybe its him.. maybe he makes things so damn easy for me that the fact its a long distance is the only thing that I have to deal with... no other problems.. at least not yet la. =)
There's no denying that I do wish that things could be different. I wish that I could be one of them couples, holding hands, hugging, kissing, sleeping over in each other's rented accomadations and going to new places etc etc. But in my sane mind, I know that we're at the point of our lives where we have to make sacrifices for our future. I know I do and I know so does he.. at least we know what's important in our lives no? Hehehe.. we're making our parents proud man! lol!
Eugene put a spell on me... =)
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Cruel to be kind, you think?
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