Another crash in Melbie

Breathe. I need to just breathe...

*inhale*
*exhale*
*inhale*
*exhale*

Okay. I always told myself I would never never like the guy that my friend likes. But here's the thing, I didn't think about what if we fell for the same guy at the same time.

You see, I thought its pure lust. Maybe it still is.. I hope it is. I don't wanna see him anymore but.. I can't. Because, I have my reasons. Damnnit.

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He makes me laugh. He pays attention to what I write in my personal msg section on my MSN. He's so random, I love it. Wish I could somehow get to pick his brain and get to know him more. But he has this wall around him that makes me so much more interested. Do I sound sick yet? It's the same 'he' in my early post.. with the title "HE".

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But as you can see, I fall for guys who like my friends or other girls. I'm scared to like anyone now. It's like I jinx myself. Does it make any sense? I yearn to be loved that way but the more I want it, the further it gets.

It's getting very frustrating. I've never been single this long since I was freaking 10!!!! (yes, Adrian and I 'started' when we were frigging 10!). It feels like its some sort of punishment for dating at such a young age? Damnnit. Damnnit. Damnnit.

I'm an addict who needs her fix.

I'm afraid that because I yearn for it so much that I would just grab anything that comes my way, no matter how wrong it is. That's bad. That's desperate. I don't do desperate...

I thought of just getting a vibrator or a blow up male doll. But a little more thought, I realised that those stuff can't give me the love and warmth I want so desperately. And plus, Wilson will definately notice a male blow up doll in my room.. and he might over hear the buzzing sound of the vibrator. NOT something you wanna share with your roommate.

Anyways, I will survive this, right?